This was the kind of thing he did, not just some of the time; but most of the time.
Ice burned as fire in Erasmus’ heart and he tripped, grabbing onto the tablecloth in emotional torment to try and steady himself as he suddenly remembered the pain his one true love had caused him when she dumped him for a WANKER last June in Sainsbury's.
Shrugging off his sadness, Erasmus shakily reached for his trenchcoat, slipped it on, flipped the collar, then went into the bathroom and gelled his hair way up. Slapping some toothpaste onto a brush, he caught his tear-stained face in the mirror and paused for a moment. He reached and wiped away a single tear from his cheek before coming to his senses and smirking.
“Huh.” He said, turning towards the door while throwing his unused toothbrush in a nearby trash can with a scowl. “Emotions are for the weak.”
He slammed the front door.
It was a cold winter morning, time having progressed from the dark and stormy night which was in fact very early morning and not night and the storm being a snowstorm.
It had snowed overnight. It was still snowing a bit as Erasmus strutted arrogantly and woefully down the street. A single snowflake drifted onto his cheek, but it was melted by his fiery complexion. Biley Byrus (a girl who fancied him and who used to be pretty but got obsessed with plastic surgery and had, in a fit of obsession and lonely anger had had her left ear replaced entirely with polyethylene which was later accidentally melted off by a really hot mug of tea, lesson learnt) was walking down the street on the opposite side, sassily.
Oh look, it’s Erasmus Moonshine She thought quietly to herself God, if he were any more stoic he’d be an Easter Island statue she thought sarcastically to herself, putting her hands on her hips and smirking while looking slightly over her right shoulder. But despite her initially sarcastic and confrontational persona, she was actually an ok person to spend an afternoon with. But this was a morning and Erasmus Moonshine was in no mood for anachronistic romance so he blanked her as she desperately waved to him from across the street with both hands.
Erasmus entered the chamber of commerce, his workplace, and sat down behind his desk. Julie had unexpectedly smiled at him as he passed reception earlier, so he made a mental note to practice kissing in the toilet cubicle before passing her desk again at the end of the day. He got out his briefcase and got out his papers from the briefcase. He then closed the briefcase and put it away again. He smiled to himself. So far, so good.
But just then, Wilson from reprographics ran in, clutching a handful of unassorted office printoff paraphernalia in each hand (so two handfuls). Papers were flying everywhere behind him.
He slammed the front door.
It was a cold winter morning, time having progressed from the dark and stormy night which was in fact very early morning and not night and the storm being a snowstorm.
It had snowed overnight. It was still snowing a bit as Erasmus strutted arrogantly and woefully down the street. A single snowflake drifted onto his cheek, but it was melted by his fiery complexion. Biley Byrus (a girl who fancied him and who used to be pretty but got obsessed with plastic surgery and had, in a fit of obsession and lonely anger had had her left ear replaced entirely with polyethylene which was later accidentally melted off by a really hot mug of tea, lesson learnt) was walking down the street on the opposite side, sassily.
Oh look, it’s Erasmus Moonshine She thought quietly to herself God, if he were any more stoic he’d be an Easter Island statue she thought sarcastically to herself, putting her hands on her hips and smirking while looking slightly over her right shoulder. But despite her initially sarcastic and confrontational persona, she was actually an ok person to spend an afternoon with. But this was a morning and Erasmus Moonshine was in no mood for anachronistic romance so he blanked her as she desperately waved to him from across the street with both hands.
Erasmus entered the chamber of commerce, his workplace, and sat down behind his desk. Julie had unexpectedly smiled at him as he passed reception earlier, so he made a mental note to practice kissing in the toilet cubicle before passing her desk again at the end of the day. He got out his briefcase and got out his papers from the briefcase. He then closed the briefcase and put it away again. He smiled to himself. So far, so good.
But just then, Wilson from reprographics ran in, clutching a handful of unassorted office printoff paraphernalia in each hand (so two handfuls). Papers were flying everywhere behind him.
“Mr Moonshine! Oh, thank god you’re here! The big company printer has stopped working!”
All the office workers who had noticed Wilson’s entrance suddenly burst out into unanimous uncontrollable panic and were starting fires and copulating before Erasmus could quiet them all down.
“Hey! Calm down ladies and gentlemen, I have a BTEC in printer repair, I can sort this out.”
Where once there was chaos there was now order and jubilation, men and men kissing etc. “This great country of ours is on the verge of administrative delay and I shall stop at nothing to set this matter straight once and for all!”
Erasmus blackflipped over his desk and raced downstairs (using the B-block stairs so as not to run across Julie), threw his keys towards his car which landed in the ignition and started the car (a Ferrari). It was already speeding off when he managed to jump into it and grapple control of the wheel..
He raced down the M1 at just under 80 miles per hour so as not to incur our country’s punitive speeding fines. He burst into London, ran all the way to 10 Downing Street and banged really hard on the door.
Where once there was chaos there was now order and jubilation, men and men kissing etc. “This great country of ours is on the verge of administrative delay and I shall stop at nothing to set this matter straight once and for all!”
Erasmus blackflipped over his desk and raced downstairs (using the B-block stairs so as not to run across Julie), threw his keys towards his car which landed in the ignition and started the car (a Ferrari). It was already speeding off when he managed to jump into it and grapple control of the wheel..
He raced down the M1 at just under 80 miles per hour so as not to incur our country’s punitive speeding fines. He burst into London, ran all the way to 10 Downing Street and banged really hard on the door.
Nick Clegg answered.
“Fuck off Nick” said Erasmus, who kicked him in the balls and threw him across the street. Our hero ran up all the stairs and knocked down the door to David Cameron’s private study.
“Hey!” Shouted Erasmus, pointing his finger at the Prime Minister.
“Oh shit!” screamed David Cameron, Prime Minister. Erasmus grabbed him roughly by the collar and pressed his face really close to his face.
“Now listen here. If you don’t do something for the kids by 4pm today, then I will blow up England.” He growled.
“Alright, alright! Just please put me down!” The PM squealed, soiling himself.
“Fine. But just remember for next time. You mess with the PDSA, you mess with Erasmus Moonshine.” He gestured with his thumb towards his chest, and turned to leave the room.
He was so angry this time he didn’t even slam the door.
END OF CHAPTER...?
He was so angry this time he didn’t even slam the door.
END OF CHAPTER...?
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